#32- Reflections

I've been reflecting a lot lately
about how different my life is
today from one year ago.

A year ago June I got
separated. He is a good person, we just
had different paths to follow.

Hardest thing I ever had to do.

Had feelings of guilt and failure
and loneliness.

Began seeking comfort online.

Met some doozies, (wow...you have no
idea) met some nice ones to.
Some who understood, some
who just needed someone else to talk to,
to waste an evening in frivolous chatter.

It was not time wasted for me. These chats
helped me to see myself more clearly.
Opened my eyes to what was now available to me
They helped me to seek out the life
I really wanted for myself,
to figure out what that really was.

It also lead me to Marco.
The wonderful man who is now my husband.
Who has ability to love me as I am,
who offered me what I wanted out of my life.

I have a man that is devoted to me.
Has pushed me to try new things, to
seek out our dreams, to not fear failure.

His persistence has lead us to buy a home,
one where we can start our family.
The next step on our list.

Last year was a new job, new city, new (very small) apt.

This year is a wonderful husband,
home of my own (And the bank's for the next 30 yrs)
decorating for the holidays, and planning for the
next year.

#31-Pills

It's 10 PM
here we go again
It's the same thing
every single night

I grab a glass of water
and start in...

A big orange one,
to keep me healthy
Specially for women
has the right amount of folic acid,
just in case.

A small oval white one,
to fight microscopic invaders
from attacking my airways.

A nice pinkish circle,
to manipulate my heart and
vessels into the right pressure.

Another circle, white this time.
I only take this one for 14 days a month.
It fights to tame my rebellious womb,
but it mostly fails.

Pharmaceutical particles
drifting through my system...
trying to regulate
what mother nature can't do on her own.

#30-A letter to me

I was listening to a Brad Paisley song
where he writes a letter to his 17 year old self.

I started thinking, what would I write to my self.
Here are some excerpts from my letter
to my teen to 20ish self.

If you like some one let them know, don't be afraid of love

Value your self as your are, revel in your uniqueness,
don't let others sell you short.

Speak up for yourself, don't let others push you around

Love your body, others do, don't hide your assets

Don't waste so much time on Steve, move on, look around
there are plenty of others out there looking your way.

Value your education. Don't waste opportunities.

Stop being the "best friend" and take a risk and be the "girlfriend"

Follow your heart, when you over think things, you get confused.

Live your life with gusto, don't worry about the consequences
they are never as bad as you think.

Never regret loving someone.

#29- Everyday Nature

A quick trip to the store
I turned the corner
and before me a giant oak is ablaze
in shades of golden orange

A mundane commute, a hour long,
I turned the corner
ripples of morning mist hug the valley edges
reflecting drops of light

Walking to get my mail
I turned the corner
A crystalline view of Mt Rainer
an azure watermark on the horizon

Everyday, Nature surprises me
Her ethereal beauty calms me
Her color and symmetry amaze me
Nature, leaves me in awe

#28 home sweet home

Wooo Hooo!
I am a home owner.
I should say,
WE are home owners

I never thought it would happen.
At least not this soon.

He had the faith
He was determined
He made it happen.

He inspires me every day.
I am to worried about this or that.
If it had been in only my hands I
would still be in that little one bedroom.

He pushes me to believe
He helps me to grow and try those things
I may be too scared to do on my own.

When he sees something he wants,
he pursues it with gusto.

His drive to obtain his desires
is what brought us together.

I am thankful for that every day.
He showed me what a life with him could be like
and it was everything I wanted.

Buying the home is only his latest accomplishment.
But not the last.

I look forward to seeing what we will
accomplish next.

#27-Whew, will it ever stop

I'm Married!!

We had a very nice, small wedding.
Just family and good friends.
We wanted to focus the day on our
marriage, not the wedding.
Been there done that.

But is a wedding day without a few
bumps in the road.



1. Sick flower girl
I didn't have any attendants except my
niece the flower girl. Brother called at
9 am to let us know that she has been
throwing up since 7 am. I wished them well
and figured I would just go with a flower girl.
But she recoved and did a perfect job.




2. Broken Cake Topper
My mom, in her desire to get everything
organized and put together, placed the cake
topper with the serving set on the edge of the counter.
(Which was covered with everything else for the day)
Shortly after she bumped it and it fell to to floor,
landing with an unmistakable tickling of shattered
porceline.

She was very upset. I tried to calm, said it's no
biggy. I'll run to the mall and see if they have
another one. She went to one mall, and I to another.
She found an identical one and purchased it. No biggy.

3. House stuff
On the way to Portland for the wedding. We got a call
from our lender saying that we didn't qualify for the
home buying assistance program due to moving to
a county with a lower income rate. We now have
to come up with a down payment. We are still
working that out. But we are on track to close soon.

I guess the most important thing is I am married
to a wonderful, supportive, amibitious, handsome,
sexy, loving man. I couldn't ask for more.

#26-Updates, house, wedding and other issues

Well, it has been a month now.
The weather is a lot cooler.

Oh and by the way, the s**t hit the fan.
The monday after my post.
Our lender lost their licence
to do FHA loans, and we lost the house.

But after some crying, some anger, and
finally acceptace, things turned around.

We found a new lender,
a bigger and better house
and a better interest rate.

Just waiting to close in a couple of weeks.

In the mean time, our wedding is on Saturday.
Most everything is ready, and I am feeling
realtivly calm.

At least I am today.

Had a good cry last night. That always helps
releive my stress.

Started at the bridal shop.
Did my final fitting.
Dress fits well, is a little snugger
then I usually like--but it looks good.

As I was leaving, there were about 5
young women trying on wedding dresses.
The biggest girl was about a size 6.

They all looked young and beautuful.

I wanted to rip their eyes out.

I instantly felt like a huge whale in
a school of rainbow fish.

I have never been lower then a size 12
my whole adult life. Have always been
fighting with my weight.

Went to weight watchers for the first time
when I was 10.

I have a wonderful man who loves me the
way I am, but I just wish I loved myself
more. It seems to be the one part of my
life that I can't get a hold of.

I know that I am a good, moral, decent,
intelligent...bla bla bla

Just wish I was a little skinnier.
Not a size six, but a 12 or 14 might be nice.

#25-Too Hot to Sleep

This is the third night in a row I know
I won't be able to sleep well. It has
been so hot here lately. Just typing this
is working up a sweat.

I know other places get this hot regularly
but we are just not used to it.

The only place I have any air conditioning is
in my car.

I've been to the movies 3 times this week, and
can't afford to keep going.

SO I thought I just complain a bit and give
homage to our heatwave. My it end soon,
I need to sleep!

#24-When is the S**t going to hit the fan

Do you ever have that time in your life
when things seem to be going well.

But you have that uneasy feeling, like
it is all too good to be true. You keep waiting
for Life to throw in it's punchline.

Marco has such a can do attitude.
We are buying a house when I thought
it couldn't be done. We are hoping to close
by mid August.

Our wedding plans are on track for September 5th.
And his parents were able to find a deal on plane
tickets, so they will be flying in from the
Philippines for a month and be here for the
wedding as well.

Work is going well, within the next month
there will be new openings in the job I really
want, and it happens to be closer to our new
home. Anything that can cut down my
commute in Seattle traffic is great.

Everything is going well, but I still have this
little knot in my stomach. Until it's all a done
deal I will keep waiting and emotionally
preparing for the s**t to hit the fan.

#23-Forty

It has been just over a month now,
and I said the word aloud for the
first time today at the doctor's office.

I am Forty.

It sounded odd, coming from my mouth.

Forty year olds are supposed to be, well old.
They are supposed to be married, in that,
we've been together forever kind of way.

They are harassed by their 2.5 children
(who are now at least preteens).

And they own their own home, which
the husband works tirelessly to pay for
and maintain.

Nope, not me.

Recently divorced, renting a small
apartment, and have 0.0 children.

I think about all my friends that are
forty.

Some are still single,
some are still childless,
some are unhappily married,
some are divorced and raising
children as as single mom.

Some have the life I was taught about,
but most don't.

I guess life never turns out how we plan.
But is that by choice or by fate.
How can we know?

My mom recently said that I march
to my own drum. Have to do things
my own way. Guess I always have.

It works for me, things usually turn
out for the better.

I have a wonderful fiance, and we
are planning a wedding, talking about
children and working towards buying
that first home.

Other then the stress,
I think forty is going to be pretty good.

#22-Mahal Kita

Thought I would talk a moment to update my blog.

Life got busy with my new job,

new boyfriend, I mean fiance.

I have decided to live a life that is going to make

me happy and face the consequences as they come.

Met a wonderful man that loves and adores me

just they way I am. He lets me be myself, I feel

so good and comfortable when I am around him.

From the first time time we met, we just clicked.

We have the same goals and ideals that we want

in life.

We talked about marriage early on, but we

were officially engaged on Valentines Day. He

moved in at the end of the month.

That is when the consequences start.

Telling my bishop was the first step. I hoped

for the best, but planned for the worst. The visit

fell somewhere in between. I now have a time

limit on when to get married or face

excommunication from my church.

We were on track to be married in July, just in time

to meet my bishop's timeline. But now there is an

obstacle in the way that may require us to wait

another couple of months. We will see how that goes.

Then the call to tell my parents that my fiance was

moving in. That went better then I had hoped.

When I told my mom, she said "I figured as much".

We had a good talk. She said that she knows I am

an intelligent person and that I am not going into

this relationship with blinders on. They are not

pleased with my decision to live with someone before

I am married, but they know that he makes

me happy and they think he is a really good

person. They have accepted it, it is what it is.