#21-Choices

This is directed to the person I had a conversation
with last night. You know who you are. You may
never read this, but I need to have my say:

"Yes, you are one of the most interesting people
I have ever met. You make having high blood pressure
sound exciting. You are sexy, intriguing, talented,
and for some reason to me-irresistible.

You are totally open and honest, almost
to a fault. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to be
as open and honest about my life and feelings as you are.

I am sorry if you feel like you wasted your time with me.
I am not. You opened the door to the possibilities of what
the world has to offer me. In doing so you made me
take stalk of my life. You made me search within myself
to find out what it really is that I want out of my life.

The life you offered me was fun and exciting. I think we
would have been great together, I would have learned a
lot from you emotionally, physically, politically, etc. I am
a bit sad that I will not have the opportunity have some
of those deep conversations you talked about.

But it would have only lasted a few months. It time I'm
sure I would have bored you, and you would have frustrated
me.

You see, I have searched within my self and know what
I want out of my life. And what I want is a man
who loves me and only me. Someone who needs me
as much as he needs air.

I deserve that, everyone woman deserves that.

I want to have a family of my own to love and care for.
You may not know this, but that is one of factors in my
divorce. As much as he wanted to give me that opportunity
he was not ready to do that. I had to decide between my
dreams and him. And I chose me. It was the most
difficult decision I've had to make in my life.

I have not the lost the war to find myself. I have always
known what I want out of life. Just because my choices are
not the same as yours does not make me weak. My
desire to please you, to be what you envisioned me to be,
is what made me weak.

In fact, I think some of the choices I am making take a
lot of courage.

I did not plan to fall for one of the first people I met
after my divorce.

My choice to follow my heart and dreams sometimes
scares the shit out me.

But he is offering me all that I want out of life. He
treats me with respect and love and support and affection.
He has taken his time to get to know me, the person.
Phone calls, emails, text messages...daily.

Where have you been this past month?

You have your freedom to do as you want, when ever you
want. If that brings you bliss, then I am happy for you.

The life you offered me would only bring me heart ache.

I am a strong woman, and I am choosing the life I want,
the life that will bring me bliss."

#20 Busy, Busy

Just got the Internet back after 2 weeks.
I feel so connected.

I have moved into my own place,
so nice.

I have been working at my new job,
going well.

I have a new boyfriend,
so wonderful.

It is amazing how fast things can change.

Sometimes, though, I wonder if it is too
many changes, too soon.

My new boyfriend is amazing, wonderful, kind,
supportive, successful, he has all the qualities that
are most important to me. And he thinks I am
wonderful, sexy, and amazing too.

Yet, as I say good-bye to my "online friends" I feel sad,
maybe even a little heartbroken. I have cried over this
on several occations. Like I am breaking up with them.

But how, or why, does telling someone I have never met
(or only met once) that I will no longer be in contact with
them affect me so strongly.

Initially my plan was to move to Seattle, date a few people
until I found someone to settle down with.

I wanted to be the cosmopolitan "sex in the city" girl.
Many men offered me the opportunity to be that woman.
And it was exciting, and new, and appealing.

They had awakened me to possibilities out there.
Casual sex was something I had never done, I
looked forward to the experience.

But the closer I got to that reality, the more I realized
that is not who I really am.

My new boyfriend took the time between our
first online connection and our first in person visit
to get to know me. Emails, phone calls, text messages...
He seemed sincerely interested in me, the person.

He is the only one I met who accepted me as I was
and didn't try to mold me into something they wanted.

He is offering me all that I want in life...to settle down,
have a family, buy a house, live the dream. When I am
with him I am so happy.

Yet part of me is sad to let go of the possibilities.