#35- Mixed Emotions

I was so estactic
the test was positive
took a picture to make sure.

It was 4 am,
didn't trust my tired mind.
Climbed into bed,
wispered "It's postive" into
my weary husbands ear...

"Really?" His eyes now open,
Yes..."Wonderful, can I go back to
sleep now" He kissed me, and we spooned
until the riot of noise from the alarm woke me.

The bandage on my arm was like a badge of success
The blood tests are all positive...
I can't beleive it...Finally after all this time.

Calls to family and a few close friends to share
the news. Everyone is so excited, I want to share
the news with everyone...but a small part of my heart
is leary...

Time seemed to pass so slowly...
waiting for the ultra sound to confirm
the presence of our baby.

I knew as soon as I saw it.
The picture showed a near empty sac.
The baby stopped growing
never had a heart beat,
never was mine.

And my heart broke in two,
this dream has eluded me too long.

Once again my body has betrayed me.
Now my womb bleeds to rid me of
the life that nearly was.

I have to search the bloody waters,
looking for the small grey mass of a lost child.
To let my doctor know it is done,
it has passed.

I need it to be done,
each day the blood lingers is another reminder..
I need to move on, my tears are nearly gone
but my womb continues to weep.

#34-Fertility part 2

So October 2 came and went, no pregnacy.

Tried again...Insemination in Mid October

But this time yeah!!! Positive test results.

Went to Dr on November 1st, pregnancy confirmed.

Went back three days later for follow up
blood tests...Everything is going well.

Made appt for November 23 for a 7 week
ultrasound. Snow and ice forced me to
reschedule a week later.

Spotting started day before the unltra sound
they said it is normal but I was concerned.

Ultrasound the next day confirmed the worst.
The embryo stopped growing around week 5.

So now I am at home from work, dealing with
remnants of a failed pregnacy...just wishing
the bleeding and clotting would stop so I can
move on...and try again