#21-Choices

This is directed to the person I had a conversation
with last night. You know who you are. You may
never read this, but I need to have my say:

"Yes, you are one of the most interesting people
I have ever met. You make having high blood pressure
sound exciting. You are sexy, intriguing, talented,
and for some reason to me-irresistible.

You are totally open and honest, almost
to a fault. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to be
as open and honest about my life and feelings as you are.

I am sorry if you feel like you wasted your time with me.
I am not. You opened the door to the possibilities of what
the world has to offer me. In doing so you made me
take stalk of my life. You made me search within myself
to find out what it really is that I want out of my life.

The life you offered me was fun and exciting. I think we
would have been great together, I would have learned a
lot from you emotionally, physically, politically, etc. I am
a bit sad that I will not have the opportunity have some
of those deep conversations you talked about.

But it would have only lasted a few months. It time I'm
sure I would have bored you, and you would have frustrated
me.

You see, I have searched within my self and know what
I want out of my life. And what I want is a man
who loves me and only me. Someone who needs me
as much as he needs air.

I deserve that, everyone woman deserves that.

I want to have a family of my own to love and care for.
You may not know this, but that is one of factors in my
divorce. As much as he wanted to give me that opportunity
he was not ready to do that. I had to decide between my
dreams and him. And I chose me. It was the most
difficult decision I've had to make in my life.

I have not the lost the war to find myself. I have always
known what I want out of life. Just because my choices are
not the same as yours does not make me weak. My
desire to please you, to be what you envisioned me to be,
is what made me weak.

In fact, I think some of the choices I am making take a
lot of courage.

I did not plan to fall for one of the first people I met
after my divorce.

My choice to follow my heart and dreams sometimes
scares the shit out me.

But he is offering me all that I want out of life. He
treats me with respect and love and support and affection.
He has taken his time to get to know me, the person.
Phone calls, emails, text messages...daily.

Where have you been this past month?

You have your freedom to do as you want, when ever you
want. If that brings you bliss, then I am happy for you.

The life you offered me would only bring me heart ache.

I am a strong woman, and I am choosing the life I want,
the life that will bring me bliss."

#20 Busy, Busy

Just got the Internet back after 2 weeks.
I feel so connected.

I have moved into my own place,
so nice.

I have been working at my new job,
going well.

I have a new boyfriend,
so wonderful.

It is amazing how fast things can change.

Sometimes, though, I wonder if it is too
many changes, too soon.

My new boyfriend is amazing, wonderful, kind,
supportive, successful, he has all the qualities that
are most important to me. And he thinks I am
wonderful, sexy, and amazing too.

Yet, as I say good-bye to my "online friends" I feel sad,
maybe even a little heartbroken. I have cried over this
on several occations. Like I am breaking up with them.

But how, or why, does telling someone I have never met
(or only met once) that I will no longer be in contact with
them affect me so strongly.

Initially my plan was to move to Seattle, date a few people
until I found someone to settle down with.

I wanted to be the cosmopolitan "sex in the city" girl.
Many men offered me the opportunity to be that woman.
And it was exciting, and new, and appealing.

They had awakened me to possibilities out there.
Casual sex was something I had never done, I
looked forward to the experience.

But the closer I got to that reality, the more I realized
that is not who I really am.

My new boyfriend took the time between our
first online connection and our first in person visit
to get to know me. Emails, phone calls, text messages...
He seemed sincerely interested in me, the person.

He is the only one I met who accepted me as I was
and didn't try to mold me into something they wanted.

He is offering me all that I want in life...to settle down,
have a family, buy a house, live the dream. When I am
with him I am so happy.

Yet part of me is sad to let go of the possibilities.

#19-UGH

Ugh--My head is spinning
I have so much to do, and little time to do it in.

The idea of moving on is so much more appealing
then the reality. I guess I should have known that
by shaking up my life, I would be...shaking up my life.

I have to make sure my work is finished, and I just
had 3 more projects placed on my desk today.

I have to squeeze in time to train my replacement

I have to try and find a place to live...not my favorite
thing to do.

Oh ya, I also complicated my trip by scheduling, not
one but two lunch dates with some new friends. One
on Saturday, and one on the way home Sunday.

You can go ahead and say it. I'm a hussy.

I think I am taking my new found freedom a
little overboard. I may need a life preserver soon.

So now, I will try to sleep. I know it will be long in coming.
I had way too much caffeine today--and my mind is
still spinning.

#18-Moving On

Well, I have been waiting for two weeks to hear
back about a potential new job. They were supposed
to call me by the 7th. After not hearing from them
by that night, my hopes of moving on faded. I held
out a little bit of hope on Monday, but no call. So,
I thought that the opportunity had passed.
I was waiting for the inevitable letter to come
in the mail that says, "sorry, your not good enough".

Friends and family kept calling to find out if I had
heard anything...but nothing. Told my best friend
yesterday that I'm sure they just hired someone
local. Not to worry, I would not be moving further way.

But this morning I got the call. I was so surprised I
was shaking. "Am I still interested in the position?"
they asked. I wanted to say HELL YA, but I settled
on a more professional YES-I am interested.

What this means for me
is a big pay increase,
way better benefits,
and a move.

While I am excited about moving back to the
Seattle area, I am a bit anxious.
My stomach has been doing flip-flops all day.

Part of the reason for the new job, is a move away
from my strict religious lifestyle. I am hoping
for new adventures with new people.

In order for me to do that I needed move away
from my family. I'm sure they would not approve
of some choices I am making. I needed some space
away from them to live my own life, without
them hovering over me.

I know they love me, and I love them. But I also
know that I will be disappointing them in someways,
and that is the hardest part of the decisions I
will be making.

So, I am moving on...
to a new city
a new job
new home
new friends
a new life.

#17-Veteran's Day

I just wanted to take a moment to honor all the
men and women who have served in the
armed forces.

This is in honor of my great uncle, Bert Shuey
who is on eternal patrol. Who was lost at sea,
August 6, 1945. The last boat lost in WWII.
http://www.oneternalpatrol.com/uss-bullhead-332.htm

This is in honor of my ex, who spent 13 years
in the air force. Who's life was forever changed
while defending the right for freedom and democracy.

This is in honor of my best friend and her three sons.
All who joined just prior to 9/11. On that day she knew
there lives would change as well.

To all of you, God Bless.

#16-Just for fun

I know it is silly, but doesn't every girl
secretly wish they were a princess.


You Are Pocahantas!

Free-spirited and wise. You have a strong passionate spirit that touches and changes all who know you. The wisdom and common sense that you have is really what guides you through life. Even so, you also have a very playful side that loves adventure and excitement.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

#15-Twilight

So, my sister has me hooked on the Twilight books.

In some ways I've feel a bit like Bella.

Being in places, making choices that may not be
wise, may actually be foolish and a little dangerous.

I should be weary, but I'm not.
I should feel guilt, but I don't.