#14-Crossroads and Timelines

I had a timeline in my head for when I wanted to
start looking for new jobs, possibly move. I had
planned this for sometime in Feb or March.

However, an opportunity has presented itself
is almost too good to pass up. That timeline may
have to be modified.

So, I am now, again making decisions that will
affect the lives of other people. Forcing others,
specifically my brother, to uproot his life so I
can try to put mine back in order.

Do I choose the something good, or the something
better. Which choice is really better?

#13-editing

I was just about to edit what I just wrote
below in #12. I was afraid some people might
not understand... or find me too whatever.

Hell, only 3 or 4 people in the world even know
this blog exisits.

I got to stop editing my life.
Take a step, analyze, edit,
repeat.

Such a boring and monotonous life.

I've got to make it stop.

#12-Irony

I just re-read my last post and have found some irony
in what I wrote.

This weekend I felt like I was nineteen,
not a mature woman of nearly forty. Awkward,
nervous, unsure. Why can't I be the woman I think
I am, the woman I want to be.

Those close to me see that woman. The strong,
confident, intelligent, funny, easy going woman that I
imagine I am. Why is that so difficult for me to share
with the rest of the world. Why am I so afraid of
what others think that it prevents me from
doing or being anything.

Why do I freeze up every time I'm faced with
new situations, put up my walls.

I feel like those walls are sometimes preventing me
from living life. I over think everything, plan everything,
prepare for everything. Why can't I just let things
happen, enjoy the moment.

I feel as if I live my life in my head. Make the smart
choices, follow the logical path, be the good girl.

I don't feel as if I allow myself to live my life with my
heart, with passion and gusto. I wish I could. I wish
I knew how. I wish I had the courage to follow my
childhood dreams, but I have always made the
practical plans, modified my dreams so that they
can fit the practical life...

How can I let go, and live my life with my heart.

I know that by doing that I may find the greatest joy,
but also risk facing greater sorrow.

Can my heart take it? Are the walls I've built
to protect it too thick or to tall for me to remove?

Where can I find a damn demolition crew?

#11-

Well, last night and most of today, I attended the
"Time Out, For Women" conference with my mom
and sister Shirey. It was really nice. Lots of good
speakers and music.

When I got home, I started on a task I have been
avoiding. Packing up Keith's things. He asked me
keep and store his papers and books, but everything
else-Clothes, shoes, etc can go to charity. He said his
OCD issues won't allow him to wear them anyway.
He just wants to start fresh.

I still have piles surrounding me, but I had to stop.
It was getting overwhelming. I will try to finish it up
tomorrow.

Besides I found an old journal of mine
from when I was 19.

For those of you who knew me then, you can guess what
or who dominates those entries. It is kind of
sad and pathetic to look back on my "teenage love
affair". How much drama was in every little detail.
Thank goodness I have matured.

The one shining ray in that journal were the quotes
I had entered. Some were from friends, others from
my reading.

I'd like to share one that was written by James Allen.

"As you think you travel;
and as you love you attract.
Your are today
where your thoughts have brought you;
you will be tomorrow
where you thoughts take you.

You cannot escape the result of your thoughts,
but you can endure and learn...
you realize the vision
(no the idle wish)
of your heart,
be it base or beautiful...
for you will always gravitate
towards that which you
secretly, most love.

Whatever your present environment may be,
you will fall, remain or rise
with your thoughts, your vision, your ideal.

You will become as small as your controlling desire,
as great as your dominate aspiration."

#10-Waveless Rider

This may just be a hormonal rant, so take it
for what it's worth.

Today totally sucks!
I feel like a surfer at the end of their wave,
unsteady and wobbly, with only the cold
salty water waiting to catch them.

Had to go to work early to cover a sick coworker
Had another one get sick, short staffed all day
worked 9 straight hours with only 2 short breaks
to um......"powder my nose". And I had to coddle
a parent that complains about every little thing.

Came home and called a friend, I admit, looking for
sympathy. All I got were condescending comments,
not what I needed. Was a little snippy with her,
hung up, now I feel bad. Will probably have to
call and apologize.

Went on to my LDS website, where I've made a few
friends, mostly women, mostly Canadian. (I have to
admit that I find the Canadian people on that site a
little more in line with my own views). The boards and
chat rooms were filled with juvenile, high school antics.
On top of that they were also ignorant, racist, stubborn,
ultra conservative snobs.

After my separation, it was the one place I could go
for support and unbiased advice. Now I only go to
keep in touch with a good friends I've made.

So now I'm going to wallow in my own ocean of
salty tears, crank up some melancholy 80's music,
and turn up the damn heat in this
house, so Scott can complain about how
hot it is when he gets home.

There, rant over. I'll be better in an hour.

#9-In Memory

Today when I went to work,
I found out that a good friend and colleague
had passed away.

Even though you may not know her,
I would like to take a moment to remember her.

Kate Wells, was only 55.
Professionally she was the Mental Health Specialist
for our agency. She was always there with ways to
support and encourage us in the work we do.

For the first year I was with the agency, Kate's office
was next to mine. I have to admit I enjoyed her collection
of "Jack Sparrow" posters. We collaborated on several
projects together and visited regularly.

Last year as I was undergoing fertility testing and
treatment, she was always there encouraging me,
asking me if I was pregnant yet.

The day I told her that I had asked my husband to
leave she sat in my office and talked with me for two
hours. She was divorced from her first husband for
very similar reasons to mine. She offered insight,
advice, and most importantly a shoulder to cry on.
She would call and check in with me regularly and see
how I was doing.

I spoke with her the day after she received her diagnosis.
They had told her that she only had a 10-20 % of beating
the cancer. She said she knew that smoking would kill
her someday, but she thought she would have more time.

She fought the cancer with all she had, but her will
was not strong enough to fight the disease within her.

She was a woman of great strength, character
and kindness. She will be greatly missed.

Rest in peace Kate, and God Bless.

Entry 8- Frozen Pillow

Tonight,
as I entered my bed
I was unable to find
warmth.

Snowy white sheets
and a frozen pillow,
permeated by an autumn chill
were all I could find.

And my body shivered

During summers
sweltering nights,
aroused by heat,
I would stretch and
reach for the
cool comfort
found on your
empty side of the bed.

Now all I find there
is nothing.
No comfort
No warmth
No one

So I lay on my side
wrapped in my own cocoon
facing your empty space
and yearn for someone
to warm the void.