#26-Updates, house, wedding and other issues

Well, it has been a month now.
The weather is a lot cooler.

Oh and by the way, the s**t hit the fan.
The monday after my post.
Our lender lost their licence
to do FHA loans, and we lost the house.

But after some crying, some anger, and
finally acceptace, things turned around.

We found a new lender,
a bigger and better house
and a better interest rate.

Just waiting to close in a couple of weeks.

In the mean time, our wedding is on Saturday.
Most everything is ready, and I am feeling
realtivly calm.

At least I am today.

Had a good cry last night. That always helps
releive my stress.

Started at the bridal shop.
Did my final fitting.
Dress fits well, is a little snugger
then I usually like--but it looks good.

As I was leaving, there were about 5
young women trying on wedding dresses.
The biggest girl was about a size 6.

They all looked young and beautuful.

I wanted to rip their eyes out.

I instantly felt like a huge whale in
a school of rainbow fish.

I have never been lower then a size 12
my whole adult life. Have always been
fighting with my weight.

Went to weight watchers for the first time
when I was 10.

I have a wonderful man who loves me the
way I am, but I just wish I loved myself
more. It seems to be the one part of my
life that I can't get a hold of.

I know that I am a good, moral, decent,
intelligent...bla bla bla

Just wish I was a little skinnier.
Not a size six, but a 12 or 14 might be nice.

#25-Too Hot to Sleep

This is the third night in a row I know
I won't be able to sleep well. It has
been so hot here lately. Just typing this
is working up a sweat.

I know other places get this hot regularly
but we are just not used to it.

The only place I have any air conditioning is
in my car.

I've been to the movies 3 times this week, and
can't afford to keep going.

SO I thought I just complain a bit and give
homage to our heatwave. My it end soon,
I need to sleep!

#24-When is the S**t going to hit the fan

Do you ever have that time in your life
when things seem to be going well.

But you have that uneasy feeling, like
it is all too good to be true. You keep waiting
for Life to throw in it's punchline.

Marco has such a can do attitude.
We are buying a house when I thought
it couldn't be done. We are hoping to close
by mid August.

Our wedding plans are on track for September 5th.
And his parents were able to find a deal on plane
tickets, so they will be flying in from the
Philippines for a month and be here for the
wedding as well.

Work is going well, within the next month
there will be new openings in the job I really
want, and it happens to be closer to our new
home. Anything that can cut down my
commute in Seattle traffic is great.

Everything is going well, but I still have this
little knot in my stomach. Until it's all a done
deal I will keep waiting and emotionally
preparing for the s**t to hit the fan.

#23-Forty

It has been just over a month now,
and I said the word aloud for the
first time today at the doctor's office.

I am Forty.

It sounded odd, coming from my mouth.

Forty year olds are supposed to be, well old.
They are supposed to be married, in that,
we've been together forever kind of way.

They are harassed by their 2.5 children
(who are now at least preteens).

And they own their own home, which
the husband works tirelessly to pay for
and maintain.

Nope, not me.

Recently divorced, renting a small
apartment, and have 0.0 children.

I think about all my friends that are
forty.

Some are still single,
some are still childless,
some are unhappily married,
some are divorced and raising
children as as single mom.

Some have the life I was taught about,
but most don't.

I guess life never turns out how we plan.
But is that by choice or by fate.
How can we know?

My mom recently said that I march
to my own drum. Have to do things
my own way. Guess I always have.

It works for me, things usually turn
out for the better.

I have a wonderful fiance, and we
are planning a wedding, talking about
children and working towards buying
that first home.

Other then the stress,
I think forty is going to be pretty good.

#22-Mahal Kita

Thought I would talk a moment to update my blog.

Life got busy with my new job,

new boyfriend, I mean fiance.

I have decided to live a life that is going to make

me happy and face the consequences as they come.

Met a wonderful man that loves and adores me

just they way I am. He lets me be myself, I feel

so good and comfortable when I am around him.

From the first time time we met, we just clicked.

We have the same goals and ideals that we want

in life.

We talked about marriage early on, but we

were officially engaged on Valentines Day. He

moved in at the end of the month.

That is when the consequences start.

Telling my bishop was the first step. I hoped

for the best, but planned for the worst. The visit

fell somewhere in between. I now have a time

limit on when to get married or face

excommunication from my church.

We were on track to be married in July, just in time

to meet my bishop's timeline. But now there is an

obstacle in the way that may require us to wait

another couple of months. We will see how that goes.

Then the call to tell my parents that my fiance was

moving in. That went better then I had hoped.

When I told my mom, she said "I figured as much".

We had a good talk. She said that she knows I am

an intelligent person and that I am not going into

this relationship with blinders on. They are not

pleased with my decision to live with someone before

I am married, but they know that he makes

me happy and they think he is a really good

person. They have accepted it, it is what it is.

#21-Choices

This is directed to the person I had a conversation
with last night. You know who you are. You may
never read this, but I need to have my say:

"Yes, you are one of the most interesting people
I have ever met. You make having high blood pressure
sound exciting. You are sexy, intriguing, talented,
and for some reason to me-irresistible.

You are totally open and honest, almost
to a fault. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to be
as open and honest about my life and feelings as you are.

I am sorry if you feel like you wasted your time with me.
I am not. You opened the door to the possibilities of what
the world has to offer me. In doing so you made me
take stalk of my life. You made me search within myself
to find out what it really is that I want out of my life.

The life you offered me was fun and exciting. I think we
would have been great together, I would have learned a
lot from you emotionally, physically, politically, etc. I am
a bit sad that I will not have the opportunity have some
of those deep conversations you talked about.

But it would have only lasted a few months. It time I'm
sure I would have bored you, and you would have frustrated
me.

You see, I have searched within my self and know what
I want out of my life. And what I want is a man
who loves me and only me. Someone who needs me
as much as he needs air.

I deserve that, everyone woman deserves that.

I want to have a family of my own to love and care for.
You may not know this, but that is one of factors in my
divorce. As much as he wanted to give me that opportunity
he was not ready to do that. I had to decide between my
dreams and him. And I chose me. It was the most
difficult decision I've had to make in my life.

I have not the lost the war to find myself. I have always
known what I want out of life. Just because my choices are
not the same as yours does not make me weak. My
desire to please you, to be what you envisioned me to be,
is what made me weak.

In fact, I think some of the choices I am making take a
lot of courage.

I did not plan to fall for one of the first people I met
after my divorce.

My choice to follow my heart and dreams sometimes
scares the shit out me.

But he is offering me all that I want out of life. He
treats me with respect and love and support and affection.
He has taken his time to get to know me, the person.
Phone calls, emails, text messages...daily.

Where have you been this past month?

You have your freedom to do as you want, when ever you
want. If that brings you bliss, then I am happy for you.

The life you offered me would only bring me heart ache.

I am a strong woman, and I am choosing the life I want,
the life that will bring me bliss."

#20 Busy, Busy

Just got the Internet back after 2 weeks.
I feel so connected.

I have moved into my own place,
so nice.

I have been working at my new job,
going well.

I have a new boyfriend,
so wonderful.

It is amazing how fast things can change.

Sometimes, though, I wonder if it is too
many changes, too soon.

My new boyfriend is amazing, wonderful, kind,
supportive, successful, he has all the qualities that
are most important to me. And he thinks I am
wonderful, sexy, and amazing too.

Yet, as I say good-bye to my "online friends" I feel sad,
maybe even a little heartbroken. I have cried over this
on several occations. Like I am breaking up with them.

But how, or why, does telling someone I have never met
(or only met once) that I will no longer be in contact with
them affect me so strongly.

Initially my plan was to move to Seattle, date a few people
until I found someone to settle down with.

I wanted to be the cosmopolitan "sex in the city" girl.
Many men offered me the opportunity to be that woman.
And it was exciting, and new, and appealing.

They had awakened me to possibilities out there.
Casual sex was something I had never done, I
looked forward to the experience.

But the closer I got to that reality, the more I realized
that is not who I really am.

My new boyfriend took the time between our
first online connection and our first in person visit
to get to know me. Emails, phone calls, text messages...
He seemed sincerely interested in me, the person.

He is the only one I met who accepted me as I was
and didn't try to mold me into something they wanted.

He is offering me all that I want in life...to settle down,
have a family, buy a house, live the dream. When I am
with him I am so happy.

Yet part of me is sad to let go of the possibilities.