I dreamt of you last night.
It was one of those crazy dreams that don't make a lot of sense but feel real.
Your son was lost, and you wanted help looking for him.
You were with her,
his mother and in my dream she was about to deliver another.
I helped because I loved him too,
til you took him away when you left.
Never giving me the chance to say my goodbye.
But my heart ached to see you together,
with everything I dreamed of.
We ran around in panic calling his name,
only to find him hiding in his old room
at our old house.
Then the fates released me from my agony
and I awoke.
But the feelings have lingered...
The hurt that you are back together,
that you took her to "our spot" in "my town"
and where you proposed and how you proposed and when you proposed.
And that she said yes.
The man you are now, the things you've done in the past year
are not the things the man I knew would have done.
The man I knew was a fighter. He never gave up.
He was honest and always kept his word.
He would have died for me.
And maybe that is what you have done.
Did you sell your soul to be with your son,
to give me the opportunities that you think I wanted in life?
All I wanted was you...
Our whole marriage you warned me about her
how she was manipulative,
how she would lead you down a garden path
only to stab you in the back when no one was looking.
Has she really changed?
Or did she just change you?
Or am I just looking for a reason
and someone to blame.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
bulls*#t
(Originally written September 2012)
Frustration,
I don't understand?
How can you make these decisions without me?
What do you mean you don't know?
Sadness,
How did your feelings change so fast?
What happened to us?
How did we get here?
Anger, You are such an asshole.
Why would you go back to her?
How could you do this to me?
Dissapointment,
Why are you giving up?
Why won't you even try to make it work?
What would you parents think?
Tenasity,
Don't you think I deserve a chance?
You made a comittment to me,
Don't you think you should try?
Resignation,
Is there anything I can do to change this?
What more can I say?
What more can I do?
Fear,
Don't make me start over
Don't leave me alone
Don't break my heart
Sorrow,
Why won't you look at me, touch me?
Why am I sleeping alone?
Weren't we supposed to grow old together?
Frustration,
I don't understand?
How can you make these decisions without me?
What do you mean you don't know?
Sadness,
How did your feelings change so fast?
What happened to us?
How did we get here?
Anger, You are such an asshole.
Why would you go back to her?
How could you do this to me?
Dissapointment,
Why are you giving up?
Why won't you even try to make it work?
What would you parents think?
Tenasity,
Don't you think I deserve a chance?
You made a comittment to me,
Don't you think you should try?
Resignation,
Is there anything I can do to change this?
What more can I say?
What more can I do?
Fear,
Don't make me start over
Don't leave me alone
Don't break my heart
Sorrow,
Why won't you look at me, touch me?
Why am I sleeping alone?
Weren't we supposed to grow old together?
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Flux
Bright and dark
Our life together
A flickering reel of images.
A cacophony of weepy pop
Snippets of chorus.
You, hands pressed on either side Of my face
staring, marveling at my beauty.
...we belong, we belong, we belong together.
Me, crying in bed
longing to have you look at me, to let me touch you.
...now your just somebody that I used to know.
You, grabbing me from behind
pressing in hip to hip, curved perfectly together.
...I love the way you love me.
Me, writing a angst ridden poem
late at night to silence my mind.
...I can't make you love me, if you don't.
Us, ...the world's greatest lovers, have turned into strangers.
Our life together
A flickering reel of images.
A cacophony of weepy pop
Snippets of chorus.
You, hands pressed on either side Of my face
staring, marveling at my beauty.
...we belong, we belong, we belong together.
Me, crying in bed
longing to have you look at me, to let me touch you.
...now your just somebody that I used to know.
You, grabbing me from behind
pressing in hip to hip, curved perfectly together.
...I love the way you love me.
Me, writing a angst ridden poem
late at night to silence my mind.
...I can't make you love me, if you don't.
Us, ...the world's greatest lovers, have turned into strangers.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Another New Year
Possibilities abound
My List of things to do this year.
Win the Lottery, (at least $50,000 would be nice)
~just throwing it out into the universe
Go to church more often, stengthen my spiritual side
Loose weight, get healthier
Get pregnant, and deliver a healthy baby
Pay down debts
Do something new or scary (to me)
Spend more time outdoors, enjoying nature
Continue my love afair with my husband
Enjoy life with no regrets
Monday, December 6, 2010
#35- Mixed Emotions
I was so estactic
the test was positive
took a picture to make sure.
It was 4 am,
didn't trust my tired mind.
Climbed into bed,
wispered "It's postive" into
my weary husbands ear...
"Really?" His eyes now open,
Yes..."Wonderful, can I go back to
sleep now" He kissed me, and we spooned
until the riot of noise from the alarm woke me.
The bandage on my arm was like a badge of success
The blood tests are all positive...
I can't beleive it...Finally after all this time.
Calls to family and a few close friends to share
the news. Everyone is so excited, I want to share
the news with everyone...but a small part of my heart
is leary...
Time seemed to pass so slowly...
waiting for the ultra sound to confirm
the presence of our baby.
I knew as soon as I saw it.
The picture showed a near empty sac.
The baby stopped growing
never had a heart beat,
never was mine.
And my heart broke in two,
this dream has eluded me too long.
Once again my body has betrayed me.
Now my womb bleeds to rid me of
the life that nearly was.
I have to search the bloody waters,
looking for the small grey mass of a lost child.
To let my doctor know it is done,
it has passed.
I need it to be done,
each day the blood lingers is another reminder..
I need to move on, my tears are nearly gone
but my womb continues to weep.
the test was positive
took a picture to make sure.
It was 4 am,
didn't trust my tired mind.
Climbed into bed,
wispered "It's postive" into
my weary husbands ear...
"Really?" His eyes now open,
Yes..."Wonderful, can I go back to
sleep now" He kissed me, and we spooned
until the riot of noise from the alarm woke me.
The bandage on my arm was like a badge of success
The blood tests are all positive...
I can't beleive it...Finally after all this time.
Calls to family and a few close friends to share
the news. Everyone is so excited, I want to share
the news with everyone...but a small part of my heart
is leary...
Time seemed to pass so slowly...
waiting for the ultra sound to confirm
the presence of our baby.
I knew as soon as I saw it.
The picture showed a near empty sac.
The baby stopped growing
never had a heart beat,
never was mine.
And my heart broke in two,
this dream has eluded me too long.
Once again my body has betrayed me.
Now my womb bleeds to rid me of
the life that nearly was.
I have to search the bloody waters,
looking for the small grey mass of a lost child.
To let my doctor know it is done,
it has passed.
I need it to be done,
each day the blood lingers is another reminder..
I need to move on, my tears are nearly gone
but my womb continues to weep.
#34-Fertility part 2
So October 2 came and went, no pregnacy.
Tried again...Insemination in Mid October
But this time yeah!!! Positive test results.
Went to Dr on November 1st, pregnancy confirmed.
Went back three days later for follow up
blood tests...Everything is going well.
Made appt for November 23 for a 7 week
ultrasound. Snow and ice forced me to
reschedule a week later.
Spotting started day before the unltra sound
they said it is normal but I was concerned.
Ultrasound the next day confirmed the worst.
The embryo stopped growing around week 5.
So now I am at home from work, dealing with
remnants of a failed pregnacy...just wishing
the bleeding and clotting would stop so I can
move on...and try again
Tried again...Insemination in Mid October
But this time yeah!!! Positive test results.
Went to Dr on November 1st, pregnancy confirmed.
Went back three days later for follow up
blood tests...Everything is going well.
Made appt for November 23 for a 7 week
ultrasound. Snow and ice forced me to
reschedule a week later.
Spotting started day before the unltra sound
they said it is normal but I was concerned.
Ultrasound the next day confirmed the worst.
The embryo stopped growing around week 5.
So now I am at home from work, dealing with
remnants of a failed pregnacy...just wishing
the bleeding and clotting would stop so I can
move on...and try again
Saturday, September 18, 2010
#33-Fertility
On the addvise of a good friend,
I decided to write about my experience
of trying to get pregnant.
Warning! I plan to be blunt about how the
female reproductive system works.
Best place to start is at the beginning...
15 years old, had my first period. Never had
a regular cycle. Would miss up to 6 months
between cycles. Was 30 years old when place
on birthcontrol pills to regulate my periods.
Was 33 when I was diagnosed by a dr with having
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom (PCOS). This is the
leading cause of infertility in the US. Basically
there are some problems with my hormones, so folicals
in my overaries start to develop, but never complete
through ovulations. So, no egg, no baby.
I started fertility treatment with my first husband,
but it ended with our marriage.
When Marco and I knew we were heading toward
marriage we started our journey toward
pregnancy. So in early 2009 I got off the
pill and started taking other medications that
would help regulate my cycle, but allow for
the possibility of pregnancy.
Nothing happened.
We were married in September of 2009, in December
he added me to his insurance. We are very
fortunate thathe has medical insurance that will
pay for fertility treatment, up to $24,000.
My insurance, while very good, would not touch
fertility treatments with a 10 foot pole.
In February of 2010, we met with Dr. Dudley at
Seattle Reproductive Medicine (SRM). He was very
kind and understanding. He said we didn't have
time to waste, since we knew what the problem was.
He had a plan, and we started working on it.
I was going to see a nutritionist and work on
loosing some weight, and in the mean time we
would start on fertility drugs. I started the
drugs at the end of March. We went back at the
April, since I was spotting, and the pregnancy
tests were negative.
They desided to do an ultrasound and an HSG. An
HSG is where they inject saline solution with
idodine and take x-rays at the same time. They
are checking to make sure the falopian tubes are
open and clean out the uterus. At that time they
found a mass in the uterus. He believed that
is was a uterine polyp. We scheduled a Hystoscopy
(where they put a little camera up to check around)
It has to be done during a certine time during a
cycle, so back to the birthcontrol pills.
The Hystoscopy showed 3 polyps. 2 small ones on
either side and a large one hanging down from the
top of the uteris. It is not possible to carry a
child to term with these polyps, we we schedule
surgery for the end of July.
July 30th I went to NW Hospital to have outpatient
surgery. It went smoothly, all the polyps were removed.
After a month of recovering, we started the fertility
treatments again.
Started taking the fertility drugs again. With
fertility, so much is about the timing/days.
Day one is the first day of full flow on my
cycle. Day 3-7 I take the fertility drugs.
Day 12 I go into the dr office for an ultrasound.
They are checking to see if I have any mature
folicals ready to pop/ovulate. I did, but needed
an extra day to get a little bigger. So the next day
(day 13) I went back to the doctor's for a shot of
hormones that will stimulate ovulation. Day 14 we
return to the doctor's office for artifical
insemination. Marco had his visit at 9am. They
take his "sample" and do an analysis and "wash"
it to concentrate the sperm. I returned at 11am
and they are able to inseminate me with his sample.
Now we are waiting. It takes 15-18 days for the
pregnancy hormones to accumulate enough to be
read by a test.
So October 2nd seems like forever away, but it
is less then 2 weeks away.
We both want this so bad. I am scared to totally
beleive thatit will happen this time. I don't
want to be disappointed if it doesn't happen
this time. We are going to try this 3x, if it
doesn't work, we have to consider IVF. In the
mean time I have to keep working on loosing
weight, and hope for the best.
I decided to write about my experience
of trying to get pregnant.
Warning! I plan to be blunt about how the
female reproductive system works.
Best place to start is at the beginning...
15 years old, had my first period. Never had
a regular cycle. Would miss up to 6 months
between cycles. Was 30 years old when place
on birthcontrol pills to regulate my periods.
Was 33 when I was diagnosed by a dr with having
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom (PCOS). This is the
leading cause of infertility in the US. Basically
there are some problems with my hormones, so folicals
in my overaries start to develop, but never complete
through ovulations. So, no egg, no baby.
I started fertility treatment with my first husband,
but it ended with our marriage.
When Marco and I knew we were heading toward
marriage we started our journey toward
pregnancy. So in early 2009 I got off the
pill and started taking other medications that
would help regulate my cycle, but allow for
the possibility of pregnancy.
Nothing happened.
We were married in September of 2009, in December
he added me to his insurance. We are very
fortunate thathe has medical insurance that will
pay for fertility treatment, up to $24,000.
My insurance, while very good, would not touch
fertility treatments with a 10 foot pole.
In February of 2010, we met with Dr. Dudley at
Seattle Reproductive Medicine (SRM). He was very
kind and understanding. He said we didn't have
time to waste, since we knew what the problem was.
He had a plan, and we started working on it.
I was going to see a nutritionist and work on
loosing some weight, and in the mean time we
would start on fertility drugs. I started the
drugs at the end of March. We went back at the
April, since I was spotting, and the pregnancy
tests were negative.
They desided to do an ultrasound and an HSG. An
HSG is where they inject saline solution with
idodine and take x-rays at the same time. They
are checking to make sure the falopian tubes are
open and clean out the uterus. At that time they
found a mass in the uterus. He believed that
is was a uterine polyp. We scheduled a Hystoscopy
(where they put a little camera up to check around)
It has to be done during a certine time during a
cycle, so back to the birthcontrol pills.
The Hystoscopy showed 3 polyps. 2 small ones on
either side and a large one hanging down from the
top of the uteris. It is not possible to carry a
child to term with these polyps, we we schedule
surgery for the end of July.
July 30th I went to NW Hospital to have outpatient
surgery. It went smoothly, all the polyps were removed.
After a month of recovering, we started the fertility
treatments again.
Started taking the fertility drugs again. With
fertility, so much is about the timing/days.
Day one is the first day of full flow on my
cycle. Day 3-7 I take the fertility drugs.
Day 12 I go into the dr office for an ultrasound.
They are checking to see if I have any mature
folicals ready to pop/ovulate. I did, but needed
an extra day to get a little bigger. So the next day
(day 13) I went back to the doctor's for a shot of
hormones that will stimulate ovulation. Day 14 we
return to the doctor's office for artifical
insemination. Marco had his visit at 9am. They
take his "sample" and do an analysis and "wash"
it to concentrate the sperm. I returned at 11am
and they are able to inseminate me with his sample.
Now we are waiting. It takes 15-18 days for the
pregnancy hormones to accumulate enough to be
read by a test.
So October 2nd seems like forever away, but it
is less then 2 weeks away.
We both want this so bad. I am scared to totally
beleive thatit will happen this time. I don't
want to be disappointed if it doesn't happen
this time. We are going to try this 3x, if it
doesn't work, we have to consider IVF. In the
mean time I have to keep working on loosing
weight, and hope for the best.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
#32- Reflections
I've been reflecting a lot lately
about how different my life is
today from one year ago.
A year ago June I got
separated. He is a good person, we just
had different paths to follow.
Hardest thing I ever had to do.
Had feelings of guilt and failure
and loneliness.
Began seeking comfort online.
Met some doozies, (wow...you have no
idea) met some nice ones to.
Some who understood, some
who just needed someone else to talk to,
to waste an evening in frivolous chatter.
It was not time wasted for me. These chats
helped me to see myself more clearly.
Opened my eyes to what was now available to me
They helped me to seek out the life
I really wanted for myself,
to figure out what that really was.
It also lead me to Marco.
The wonderful man who is now my husband.
Who has ability to love me as I am,
who offered me what I wanted out of my life.
I have a man that is devoted to me.
Has pushed me to try new things, to
seek out our dreams, to not fear failure.
His persistence has lead us to buy a home,
one where we can start our family.
The next step on our list.
Last year was a new job, new city, new (very small) apt.
This year is a wonderful husband,
home of my own (And the bank's for the next 30 yrs)
decorating for the holidays, and planning for the
next year.
about how different my life is
today from one year ago.
A year ago June I got
separated. He is a good person, we just
had different paths to follow.
Hardest thing I ever had to do.
Had feelings of guilt and failure
and loneliness.
Began seeking comfort online.
Met some doozies, (wow...you have no
idea) met some nice ones to.
Some who understood, some
who just needed someone else to talk to,
to waste an evening in frivolous chatter.
It was not time wasted for me. These chats
helped me to see myself more clearly.
Opened my eyes to what was now available to me
They helped me to seek out the life
I really wanted for myself,
to figure out what that really was.
It also lead me to Marco.
The wonderful man who is now my husband.
Who has ability to love me as I am,
who offered me what I wanted out of my life.
I have a man that is devoted to me.
Has pushed me to try new things, to
seek out our dreams, to not fear failure.
His persistence has lead us to buy a home,
one where we can start our family.
The next step on our list.
Last year was a new job, new city, new (very small) apt.
This year is a wonderful husband,
home of my own (And the bank's for the next 30 yrs)
decorating for the holidays, and planning for the
next year.
Monday, November 30, 2009
#31-Pills
It's 10 PM
here we go again
It's the same thing
every single night
I grab a glass of water
and start in...
A big orange one,
to keep me healthy
Specially for women
has the right amount of folic acid,
just in case.
A small oval white one,
to fight microscopic invaders
from attacking my airways.
A nice pinkish circle,
to manipulate my heart and
vessels into the right pressure.
Another circle, white this time.
I only take this one for 14 days a month.
It fights to tame my rebellious womb,
but it mostly fails.
Pharmaceutical particles
drifting through my system...
trying to regulate
what mother nature can't do on her own.
Monday, October 19, 2009
#30-A letter to me
I was listening to a Brad Paisley song
where he writes a letter to his 17 year old self.
I started thinking, what would I write to my self.
Here are some excerpts from my letter
to my teen to 20ish self.
If you like some one let them know, don't be afraid of love
Value your self as your are, revel in your uniqueness,
don't let others sell you short.
Speak up for yourself, don't let others push you around
Love your body, others do, don't hide your assets
Don't waste so much time on Steve, move on, look around
there are plenty of others out there looking your way.
Value your education. Don't waste opportunities.
Stop being the "best friend" and take a risk and be the "girlfriend"
Follow your heart, when you over think things, you get confused.
Live your life with gusto, don't worry about the consequences
they are never as bad as you think.
Never regret loving someone.
where he writes a letter to his 17 year old self.
I started thinking, what would I write to my self.
Here are some excerpts from my letter
to my teen to 20ish self.
If you like some one let them know, don't be afraid of love
Value your self as your are, revel in your uniqueness,
don't let others sell you short.
Speak up for yourself, don't let others push you around
Love your body, others do, don't hide your assets
Don't waste so much time on Steve, move on, look around
there are plenty of others out there looking your way.
Value your education. Don't waste opportunities.
Stop being the "best friend" and take a risk and be the "girlfriend"
Follow your heart, when you over think things, you get confused.
Live your life with gusto, don't worry about the consequences
they are never as bad as you think.
Never regret loving someone.
#29- Everyday Nature
A quick trip to the store
I turned the corner
and before me a giant oak is ablaze
in shades of golden orange
A mundane commute, a hour long,
I turned the corner
ripples of morning mist hug the valley edges
reflecting drops of light
Walking to get my mail
I turned the corner
A crystalline view of Mt Rainer
an azure watermark on the horizon
Everyday, Nature surprises me
Her ethereal beauty calms me
Her color and symmetry amaze me
Nature, leaves me in awe
Thursday, October 1, 2009
#28 home sweet home
Wooo Hooo!
I am a home owner.
I should say,
WE are home owners
I never thought it would happen.
At least not this soon.
He had the faith
He was determined
He made it happen.
He inspires me every day.
I am to worried about this or that.
If it had been in only my hands I
would still be in that little one bedroom.
He pushes me to believe
He helps me to grow and try those things
I may be too scared to do on my own.
When he sees something he wants,
he pursues it with gusto.
His drive to obtain his desires
is what brought us together.
I am thankful for that every day.
He showed me what a life with him could be like
and it was everything I wanted.
Buying the home is only his latest accomplishment.
But not the last.
I look forward to seeing what we will
accomplish next.
I am a home owner.
I should say,
WE are home owners
I never thought it would happen.
At least not this soon.
He had the faith
He was determined
He made it happen.
He inspires me every day.
I am to worried about this or that.
If it had been in only my hands I
would still be in that little one bedroom.
He pushes me to believe
He helps me to grow and try those things
I may be too scared to do on my own.
When he sees something he wants,
he pursues it with gusto.
His drive to obtain his desires
is what brought us together.
I am thankful for that every day.
He showed me what a life with him could be like
and it was everything I wanted.
Buying the home is only his latest accomplishment.
But not the last.
I look forward to seeing what we will
accomplish next.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
#27-Whew, will it ever stop
I'm Married!!
We had a very nice, small wedding.
Just family and good friends.
We wanted to focus the day on our
marriage, not the wedding.
Been there done that.
But is a wedding day without a few
bumps in the road.
1. Sick flower girl
I didn't have any attendants except my
niece the flower girl. Brother called at
9 am to let us know that she has been
throwing up since 7 am. I wished them well
and figured I would just go with a flower girl.
But she recoved and did a perfect job.
2. Broken Cake Topper
My mom, in her desire to get everything
organized and put together, placed the cake
topper with the serving set on the edge of the counter.
(Which was covered with everything else for the day)
Shortly after she bumped it and it fell to to floor,
landing with an unmistakable tickling of shattered
porceline.
She was very upset. I tried to calm, said it's no
biggy. I'll run to the mall and see if they have
another one. She went to one mall, and I to another.
She found an identical one and purchased it. No biggy.
3. House stuff
On the way to Portland for the wedding. We got a call
from our lender saying that we didn't qualify for the
home buying assistance program due to moving to
a county with a lower income rate. We now have
to come up with a down payment. We are still
working that out. But we are on track to close soon.
I guess the most important thing is I am married
to a wonderful, supportive, amibitious, handsome,
sexy, loving man. I couldn't ask for more.
We had a very nice, small wedding.
Just family and good friends.
We wanted to focus the day on our
marriage, not the wedding.
Been there done that.
But is a wedding day without a few
bumps in the road.
1. Sick flower girl
I didn't have any attendants except my
niece the flower girl. Brother called at
9 am to let us know that she has been
throwing up since 7 am. I wished them well
and figured I would just go with a flower girl.
But she recoved and did a perfect job.
2. Broken Cake Topper
My mom, in her desire to get everything
organized and put together, placed the cake
topper with the serving set on the edge of the counter.
(Which was covered with everything else for the day)
Shortly after she bumped it and it fell to to floor,
landing with an unmistakable tickling of shattered
porceline.
She was very upset. I tried to calm, said it's no
biggy. I'll run to the mall and see if they have
another one. She went to one mall, and I to another.
She found an identical one and purchased it. No biggy.
3. House stuff
On the way to Portland for the wedding. We got a call
from our lender saying that we didn't qualify for the
home buying assistance program due to moving to
a county with a lower income rate. We now have
to come up with a down payment. We are still
working that out. But we are on track to close soon.
I guess the most important thing is I am married
to a wonderful, supportive, amibitious, handsome,
sexy, loving man. I couldn't ask for more.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
#26-Updates, house, wedding and other issues
Well, it has been a month now.
The weather is a lot cooler.
Oh and by the way, the s**t hit the fan.
The monday after my post.
Our lender lost their licence
to do FHA loans, and we lost the house.
But after some crying, some anger, and
finally acceptace, things turned around.
We found a new lender,
a bigger and better house
and a better interest rate.
Just waiting to close in a couple of weeks.
In the mean time, our wedding is on Saturday.
Most everything is ready, and I am feeling
realtivly calm.
At least I am today.
Had a good cry last night. That always helps
releive my stress.
Started at the bridal shop.
Did my final fitting.
Dress fits well, is a little snugger
then I usually like--but it looks good.
As I was leaving, there were about 5
young women trying on wedding dresses.
The biggest girl was about a size 6.
They all looked young and beautuful.
I wanted to rip their eyes out.
I instantly felt like a huge whale in
a school of rainbow fish.
I have never been lower then a size 12
my whole adult life. Have always been
fighting with my weight.
Went to weight watchers for the first time
when I was 10.
I have a wonderful man who loves me the
way I am, but I just wish I loved myself
more. It seems to be the one part of my
life that I can't get a hold of.
I know that I am a good, moral, decent,
intelligent...bla bla bla
Just wish I was a little skinnier.
Not a size six, but a 12 or 14 might be nice.
The weather is a lot cooler.
Oh and by the way, the s**t hit the fan.
The monday after my post.
Our lender lost their licence
to do FHA loans, and we lost the house.
But after some crying, some anger, and
finally acceptace, things turned around.
We found a new lender,
a bigger and better house
and a better interest rate.
Just waiting to close in a couple of weeks.
In the mean time, our wedding is on Saturday.
Most everything is ready, and I am feeling
realtivly calm.
At least I am today.
Had a good cry last night. That always helps
releive my stress.
Started at the bridal shop.
Did my final fitting.
Dress fits well, is a little snugger
then I usually like--but it looks good.
As I was leaving, there were about 5
young women trying on wedding dresses.
The biggest girl was about a size 6.
They all looked young and beautuful.
I wanted to rip their eyes out.
I instantly felt like a huge whale in
a school of rainbow fish.
I have never been lower then a size 12
my whole adult life. Have always been
fighting with my weight.
Went to weight watchers for the first time
when I was 10.
I have a wonderful man who loves me the
way I am, but I just wish I loved myself
more. It seems to be the one part of my
life that I can't get a hold of.
I know that I am a good, moral, decent,
intelligent...bla bla bla
Just wish I was a little skinnier.
Not a size six, but a 12 or 14 might be nice.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
#25-Too Hot to Sleep
This is the third night in a row I know
I won't be able to sleep well. It has
been so hot here lately. Just typing this
is working up a sweat.
I know other places get this hot regularly
but we are just not used to it.
The only place I have any air conditioning is
in my car.
I've been to the movies 3 times this week, and
can't afford to keep going.
SO I thought I just complain a bit and give
homage to our heatwave. My it end soon,
I need to sleep!
#24-When is the S**t going to hit the fan
Do you ever have that time in your life
when things seem to be going well.
But you have that uneasy feeling, like
it is all too good to be true. You keep waiting
for Life to throw in it's punchline.
Marco has such a can do attitude.
We are buying a house when I thought
it couldn't be done. We are hoping to close
by mid August.
Our wedding plans are on track for September 5th.
And his parents were able to find a deal on plane
tickets, so they will be flying in from the
Philippines for a month and be here for the
wedding as well.
Work is going well, within the next month
there will be new openings in the job I really
want, and it happens to be closer to our new
home. Anything that can cut down my
commute in Seattle traffic is great.
Everything is going well, but I still have this
little knot in my stomach. Until it's all a done
deal I will keep waiting and emotionally
preparing for the s**t to hit the fan.
when things seem to be going well.
But you have that uneasy feeling, like
it is all too good to be true. You keep waiting
for Life to throw in it's punchline.
Marco has such a can do attitude.
We are buying a house when I thought
it couldn't be done. We are hoping to close
by mid August.
Our wedding plans are on track for September 5th.
And his parents were able to find a deal on plane
tickets, so they will be flying in from the
Philippines for a month and be here for the
wedding as well.
Work is going well, within the next month
there will be new openings in the job I really
want, and it happens to be closer to our new
home. Anything that can cut down my
commute in Seattle traffic is great.
Everything is going well, but I still have this
little knot in my stomach. Until it's all a done
deal I will keep waiting and emotionally
preparing for the s**t to hit the fan.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
#23-Forty
It has been just over a month now,
and I said the word aloud for the
first time today at the doctor's office.
I am Forty.
It sounded odd, coming from my mouth.
Forty year olds are supposed to be, well old.
They are supposed to be married, in that,
we've been together forever kind of way.
They are harassed by their 2.5 children
(who are now at least preteens).
And they own their own home, which
the husband works tirelessly to pay for
and maintain.
Nope, not me.
Recently divorced, renting a small
apartment, and have 0.0 children.
I think about all my friends that are
forty.
Some are still single,
some are still childless,
some are unhappily married,
some are divorced and raising
children as as single mom.
Some have the life I was taught about,
but most don't.
I guess life never turns out how we plan.
But is that by choice or by fate.
How can we know?
My mom recently said that I march
to my own drum. Have to do things
my own way. Guess I always have.
It works for me, things usually turn
out for the better.
I have a wonderful fiance, and we
are planning a wedding, talking about
children and working towards buying
that first home.
Other then the stress,
I think forty is going to be pretty good.
and I said the word aloud for the
first time today at the doctor's office.
I am Forty.
It sounded odd, coming from my mouth.
Forty year olds are supposed to be, well old.
They are supposed to be married, in that,
we've been together forever kind of way.
They are harassed by their 2.5 children
(who are now at least preteens).
And they own their own home, which
the husband works tirelessly to pay for
and maintain.
Nope, not me.
Recently divorced, renting a small
apartment, and have 0.0 children.
I think about all my friends that are
forty.
Some are still single,
some are still childless,
some are unhappily married,
some are divorced and raising
children as as single mom.
Some have the life I was taught about,
but most don't.
I guess life never turns out how we plan.
But is that by choice or by fate.
How can we know?
My mom recently said that I march
to my own drum. Have to do things
my own way. Guess I always have.
It works for me, things usually turn
out for the better.
I have a wonderful fiance, and we
are planning a wedding, talking about
children and working towards buying
that first home.
Other then the stress,
I think forty is going to be pretty good.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
#22-Mahal Kita
Thought I would talk a moment to update my blog.
Life got busy with my new job,
new boyfriend, I mean fiance.
I have decided to live a life that is going to make
me happy and face the consequences as they come.
Met a wonderful man that loves and adores me
just they way I am. He lets me be myself, I feel
so good and comfortable when I am around him.
From the first time time we met, we just clicked.
We have the same goals and ideals that we want
in life.
We talked about marriage early on, but we
were officially engaged on Valentines Day. He
moved in at the end of the month.
That is when the consequences start.
Telling my bishop was the first step. I hoped
for the best, but planned for the worst. The visit
fell somewhere in between. I now have a time
limit on when to get married or face
excommunication from my church.
We were on track to be married in July, just in time
to meet my bishop's timeline. But now there is an
obstacle in the way that may require us to wait
another couple of months. We will see how that goes.
Then the call to tell my parents that my fiance was
moving in. That went better then I had hoped.
When I told my mom, she said "I figured as much".
We had a good talk. She said that she knows I am
an intelligent person and that I am not going into
this relationship with blinders on. They are not
pleased with my decision to live with someone before
I am married, but they know that he makes
me happy and they think he is a really good
person. They have accepted it, it is what it is.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
#21-Choices
This is directed to the person I had a conversation
with last night. You know who you are. You may
never read this, but I need to have my say:
"Yes, you are one of the most interesting people
I have ever met. You make having high blood pressure
sound exciting. You are sexy, intriguing, talented,
and for some reason to me-irresistible.
You are totally open and honest, almost
to a fault. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to be
as open and honest about my life and feelings as you are.
I am sorry if you feel like you wasted your time with me.
I am not. You opened the door to the possibilities of what
the world has to offer me. In doing so you made me
take stalk of my life. You made me search within myself
to find out what it really is that I want out of my life.
The life you offered me was fun and exciting. I think we
would have been great together, I would have learned a
lot from you emotionally, physically, politically, etc. I am
a bit sad that I will not have the opportunity have some
of those deep conversations you talked about.
But it would have only lasted a few months. It time I'm
sure I would have bored you, and you would have frustrated
me.
You see, I have searched within my self and know what
I want out of my life. And what I want is a man
who loves me and only me. Someone who needs me
as much as he needs air.
I deserve that, everyone woman deserves that.
I want to have a family of my own to love and care for.
You may not know this, but that is one of factors in my
divorce. As much as he wanted to give me that opportunity
he was not ready to do that. I had to decide between my
dreams and him. And I chose me. It was the most
difficult decision I've had to make in my life.
I have not the lost the war to find myself. I have always
known what I want out of life. Just because my choices are
not the same as yours does not make me weak. My
desire to please you, to be what you envisioned me to be,
is what made me weak.
In fact, I think some of the choices I am making take a
lot of courage.
I did not plan to fall for one of the first people I met
after my divorce.
My choice to follow my heart and dreams sometimes
scares the shit out me.
But he is offering me all that I want out of life. He
treats me with respect and love and support and affection.
He has taken his time to get to know me, the person.
Phone calls, emails, text messages...daily.
Where have you been this past month?
You have your freedom to do as you want, when ever you
want. If that brings you bliss, then I am happy for you.
The life you offered me would only bring me heart ache.
I am a strong woman, and I am choosing the life I want,
the life that will bring me bliss."
with last night. You know who you are. You may
never read this, but I need to have my say:
"Yes, you are one of the most interesting people
I have ever met. You make having high blood pressure
sound exciting. You are sexy, intriguing, talented,
and for some reason to me-irresistible.
You are totally open and honest, almost
to a fault. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to be
as open and honest about my life and feelings as you are.
I am sorry if you feel like you wasted your time with me.
I am not. You opened the door to the possibilities of what
the world has to offer me. In doing so you made me
take stalk of my life. You made me search within myself
to find out what it really is that I want out of my life.
The life you offered me was fun and exciting. I think we
would have been great together, I would have learned a
lot from you emotionally, physically, politically, etc. I am
a bit sad that I will not have the opportunity have some
of those deep conversations you talked about.
But it would have only lasted a few months. It time I'm
sure I would have bored you, and you would have frustrated
me.
You see, I have searched within my self and know what
I want out of my life. And what I want is a man
who loves me and only me. Someone who needs me
as much as he needs air.
I deserve that, everyone woman deserves that.
I want to have a family of my own to love and care for.
You may not know this, but that is one of factors in my
divorce. As much as he wanted to give me that opportunity
he was not ready to do that. I had to decide between my
dreams and him. And I chose me. It was the most
difficult decision I've had to make in my life.
I have not the lost the war to find myself. I have always
known what I want out of life. Just because my choices are
not the same as yours does not make me weak. My
desire to please you, to be what you envisioned me to be,
is what made me weak.
In fact, I think some of the choices I am making take a
lot of courage.
I did not plan to fall for one of the first people I met
after my divorce.
My choice to follow my heart and dreams sometimes
scares the shit out me.
But he is offering me all that I want out of life. He
treats me with respect and love and support and affection.
He has taken his time to get to know me, the person.
Phone calls, emails, text messages...daily.
Where have you been this past month?
You have your freedom to do as you want, when ever you
want. If that brings you bliss, then I am happy for you.
The life you offered me would only bring me heart ache.
I am a strong woman, and I am choosing the life I want,
the life that will bring me bliss."
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