40-Dreaming and reality

I dreamt of you last night.
It was one of those crazy dreams that don't make a lot of sense but feel real.
Your son was lost, and you wanted help looking for him.

You were with her,
his mother and in my dream she was about to deliver another.
I helped because I loved him too,
til you took him away when you left.

Never giving me the chance to say my goodbye.
But my heart ached to see you together,
with everything I dreamed of.

We ran around in panic calling his name,
only to find him hiding in his old room
at our old house.

Then the fates released me from my agony
and I awoke.
But the feelings have lingered...

The hurt that you are back together,
that you took her to "our spot" in "my town"
and where you proposed and how you proposed and when you proposed.

And that she said yes.

The man you are now, the things you've done in the past year
are not the things the man I knew would have done.
The man I knew was a fighter.  He never gave up.

He was honest and always kept his word. 
He would have died for me.

And maybe that is what you have done.
Did you sell your soul to be with your son,
to give me the opportunities that you think I wanted in life?
All I wanted was you...

Our whole marriage you warned me about her
how she was manipulative,
how she would lead you down a garden path
only to stab you in the back when no one was looking.

Has she really changed?
Or did she just change you?

Or am I just looking for a reason
and someone to blame.

LossLoveAcheLoneliness
LustNeedWantPossess
ReachGrabScratchRelease

Pause...
Think...

Why am I here,
Who am I using,
What do I want-
           From them?
           For me?

TouchKissPullToss
RollTugSlipFall
LustLonelinessNeedWant

bulls*#t

(Originally written September 2012)

Frustration,
I don't understand?
How can you make these decisions without me?
What do you mean you don't know?

Sadness,
How did your feelings change so fast?
What happened to us?
How did we get here?

Anger, You are such an asshole.
Why would you go back to her?
How could you do this to me?

Dissapointment,
Why are you giving up?
Why won't you even try to make it work?
What would you parents think?

Tenasity,
Don't you think I deserve a chance?
You made a comittment to me,
Don't you think you should try?

Resignation,
Is there anything I can do to change this?
What more can I say?
What more can I do?

Fear,
Don't make me start over
Don't leave me alone
Don't break my heart

Sorrow,
Why won't you look at me, touch me?
Why am I sleeping alone?
Weren't we supposed to grow old together?

Flux

Bright and dark
Our life together
A flickering reel of images.

A cacophony of weepy pop
Snippets of chorus.

You, hands pressed on either side Of my face
staring, marveling at my beauty.

...we belong, we belong, we belong together.

Me, crying in bed
longing to have you look at me, to let me touch you.

...now your just somebody that I used to know.

You, grabbing me from behind
pressing in hip to hip, curved perfectly together.

...I love the way you love me.

Me, writing a angst ridden poem
late at night to silence my mind.

...I can't make you love me, if you don't.

Us, ...the world's greatest lovers, have turned into strangers.

Another New Year
Possibilities abound
My List of things to do this year.

Win the Lottery, (at least $50,000 would be nice)
~just throwing it out into the universe

Go to church more often, stengthen my spiritual side

Loose weight, get healthier

Get pregnant, and deliver a healthy baby

Pay down debts

Do something new or scary (to me)

Spend more time outdoors, enjoying nature

Continue my love afair with my husband

Enjoy life with no regrets

#35- Mixed Emotions

I was so estactic
the test was positive
took a picture to make sure.

It was 4 am,
didn't trust my tired mind.
Climbed into bed,
wispered "It's postive" into
my weary husbands ear...

"Really?" His eyes now open,
Yes..."Wonderful, can I go back to
sleep now" He kissed me, and we spooned
until the riot of noise from the alarm woke me.

The bandage on my arm was like a badge of success
The blood tests are all positive...
I can't beleive it...Finally after all this time.

Calls to family and a few close friends to share
the news. Everyone is so excited, I want to share
the news with everyone...but a small part of my heart
is leary...

Time seemed to pass so slowly...
waiting for the ultra sound to confirm
the presence of our baby.

I knew as soon as I saw it.
The picture showed a near empty sac.
The baby stopped growing
never had a heart beat,
never was mine.

And my heart broke in two,
this dream has eluded me too long.

Once again my body has betrayed me.
Now my womb bleeds to rid me of
the life that nearly was.

I have to search the bloody waters,
looking for the small grey mass of a lost child.
To let my doctor know it is done,
it has passed.

I need it to be done,
each day the blood lingers is another reminder..
I need to move on, my tears are nearly gone
but my womb continues to weep.

#34-Fertility part 2

So October 2 came and went, no pregnacy.

Tried again...Insemination in Mid October

But this time yeah!!! Positive test results.

Went to Dr on November 1st, pregnancy confirmed.

Went back three days later for follow up
blood tests...Everything is going well.

Made appt for November 23 for a 7 week
ultrasound. Snow and ice forced me to
reschedule a week later.

Spotting started day before the unltra sound
they said it is normal but I was concerned.

Ultrasound the next day confirmed the worst.
The embryo stopped growing around week 5.

So now I am at home from work, dealing with
remnants of a failed pregnacy...just wishing
the bleeding and clotting would stop so I can
move on...and try again